release
2008-06-13 - 11:12 p.m.

This is the first diaryland entry I have made in over a year. (I wonder if anyone will read it...) I left this all for a real journal. Actually, about five or six real journals. I have no idea why I felt compelled to even look at this page, but I thought I would revisit a bit of the past.

Funny how one day you wake up and do not even recognize yourself. I feel like such a different person than I did the last time I saw Diaryland. I suddenly realized that in that short, or long, time, however you decide to look at it, I became a woman. I somehow made the transition from college girl to woman without even noticing. How strange to step out of the box and look at myself. I dress differently, speak differently, think differently, and act differently. None of this is really on purpose. It just happened. I suppose it happens to all of us at one point in our lives. It sneaks around and does its work, and then suddenly we look back and see that we are someone and something completely different than who we were a year ago. Even a few months ago.

I am a few months away from being a certified music teacher. I no longer live my life looking for others' approval. I made it through a music degree, and have rediscovered the confidence I lost. I am going to move to Dallas. I just got back from a wedding and a three day visit with Dr. Elrod, who is not only a career role model, but now a friend. I am finally able to tell someone the truth about how I feel in a relationship. I no longer settle for dating people just to date someone. I am coming out on top of a terrible, lifelong disease. (Not an STD, for those of you whose minds are in the gutter!!!)

There are a lot of "I's" in the sentence above, but they are things that are very important to learn in life. In my life. Funny how you look at yourself, and all of a sudden realize an extreme change in every aspect of your being. I am no longer focused solely on being "Susie homemaker". I haven't given it up, but I realized it is not a sin to want to live in the city, and want to be single for a while. I have the rest of my life to be "Susie", but before I do that, I am going to be a city girl for a while. I find it very exciting.

Perhaps some of the change has come from the fact that I finally feel that I can be whole without being attached. I am not bitter, nor have I sworn off dating. I am simply finding a strong confidence in myself and my abilites. I have secretly been striving for this all my life, but, because of the culture I grew up in, never allowed myself to find it.

I am not a feminist. I am simply a woman who has finally allowed herself to be herself, rather than forcing herself to be the woman she thought everyone wanted her to be. You cannot live your life gauged on winning others' approval, or on others' opinions. You must do what makes you happy, and what makes God happy. God put the desires of your heart there for a reason, and you will never be truly happy unless you make a go for them. Of course, our fairytales rarely come true the way we originally envision them, but if we go forward toward our raw desires with the faith that God will work out the details, we will find that the dreams you never knew you had will suddenly come true without you even noticing it.

I suddenly came to realize that my love for the finer things in life--the classy lifestyle was not a sinful love. It can be, if you let it consume you, but it does not have to be. It is not wrong to like nice cars, and nice clothes. It is not wrong to love fashion and fancy restaurants. I began to realize this when God practically handed me a Lexus on a silver platter, after my beat up Explorer was totaled. That car was meant for me, and there is nothing wrong with that. Things like this can become sinful if you let them take over and rule your life, if you spend needless money, or money you don't have on things, but having tastes is different than having and obsession. It is nice to finally free myself of guilt for liking the finer things in life.

I feel as if I have released myself from a great deal of pressure from legalism and the sick desire to please everyone. I have not turned careless, but have become more carefree. It is glorious. Everyone should try it. Unfortunately, everyone is not doing it.

P.S. It feels great to say, "I am an Elementary music teacher." Or, "I am a choir director." I get my first crack at it this summer at the Texas Choral Directors Association Conference in San Antonio. I'm petrified.

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